Well now I have to decide if I am going to open up to him tonight and talk about my feelings.  If I do, I will end up saying TOOOOOO much and it will turn into a huge fight because everything I say equate to my husband as he is not good enough.  Even if I just tell him I am bored, he will go off the deep end telling me he wants out, he wants to have a wife that is just there for him blah blah blah........  Wouldn't we all love it if there were no conflict, and it was free sailing ALL the time.  Well its not like that, but he wants what he wants, and I have no say.  So I am actually thinking that if date night goes in the toilet(he ignores me, he pretends I am not there, he does everything to not have to talk to me) I am going to bring up my plan.  My plan is to separate, live in the same house, but if he just wants to ignore me all the time, I think I want to try this.  He wants me to cook and clean and take care of the kids and their issues, and he wants me to be there for him for the 3.5 minutes he actually needs me in the month, he wants me to rub his back, head, hands, feet, etc. whenever he wants, he wants.........it all.  But does not want to give it back to me.  I am tired, so I think that if tonight goes sour I am going to bring it up at the end  of the night and let him think about it for how ever long it takes him.  I will be at work all weekend, so I wont BUG HIM until I come home at night.  But I want to take all the niceties that he totally takes for granted, and let him see how I feel everyday.  The other thing this will do for me is take away the question every minute of does he care enough today to even respond to me talking to him?  I am hoping that if we do this I can just KNOW that he is not there for me, and go on.  I dont want anyone else, I want him, but living on this BP rollercoaster if making me crazy.  If I sound like I have BP too it is because I have to respond on a minute by minute basis to what he is going through then.

If the night goes good, then what, one good night out of 30 or 40?  Big deal, I need someone who wants to be there for me, illness or not.  If the night does go good I think I will bring up the fact that he has to be fair to me and the kids, he has to stay on meds, start seeing someone,  and not change or go off meds unless we talk about it.  Int he past month he has made me promise that I wont talk about taking the family aspect away (taking the kids in a divorce) and if I do then that's it, he will divorce me.  So if I have to promise NOT to talk about the natural consequences of him not being there for me and trying to make our marriage work.  He doesn't like it, but that is what will happen, if he wont work with me, then well that's what happens. I don't care anymore.  I need to either know he cares or just go on knowing he doesn't.  

Does anyone else feel this way?

Today I am no one....

Well today I am no one to him.  He didn't say goodbye to me this AM, he hasn't returned my hone call, or my email, so that is how today will go.  Its Friday and supposed to be date night. Ha  Jokes on me.  Right now I am so lonely all I want to do is scream.  No one wants to listen to me, and the only one I have that might listen to  me sometimes is in the ignore phase.  So here I am ALONE. Crying, who cares, nobody cares.......

I have to take care of me, I have to find somebody to like me, but all those people have slowly gone away, and now no one is left.  They have all been driven away by me making excuse for my husband, they don't or wont understand that he has an illness. All they see is me doing some strange things because my husband cant cope with anything.  ALONE.......That's all I will ever be. BIG DEAL

An inspirational video I found....

youtube.com/watch?v=WOK0KZw74og

I need to watch and think about stuff like this everyday or I may wind up in the looney bin myself. 

Welcome to my blog...I am the wife of a bipolar man

And I find myself very alone.  I am hoping to start this website to gain knowledge, support from others that have been there done that, and to support other people in my shoes.

My story.......

We have been married for 14 years, together 19.  My husband is a wonderful man, he is kind, generous, loving, happy, great with the kids.....when his bipolar is in check.  That is how he was for about the first 2 years of our marriage.  But then life happened.  We bought a house, tried to go to college, had a baby and then another baby, bought 2 cars, he got a good job that took him away most of the time.  And I thought that I just got caught up in life.  And we did for the most part, but slowly he started spending more time at work than at home(not uncommon), he would do and say ANYTHING to not have to discuss things or fight about anything with me.  He did not want to keep me in the loop of his day.  If I called him and asked when he would be home he told me most of the time that he didn't want me controlling him. What?  But I didn't know anything else.  My parents had a terrible marriage, and divorced when I was a teenager.  I did not have an example of a respectful marriage.  I suffered from depression after both of our kids birth, plus I have very low self esteem, I didn't get a college education and I made myself a stay at home mom(SAHM).  

For the most part my life was good, I had a husband that loves me(and he has a good paying job), 2 healthy kids, a house, 2 cars, a daycare business at the time.  But I also had the issue that my marriage was not working, but what did I have without my husband?  I know that I should think for myself, but I didn't at the time.   I didn't know how to take care of me, I was stuck.  I don't know if I would have left back then if I had had the means, I felt like I wanted to to, but wanting something and actually doing it are 2 different things.   

So then by accident my husband was diagnosed with Bipolar. He was actually doing a personality study with a friend of ours who was getting his doctorate in what I don't remember! LOL!  So anyway, then things started to make sense.  It was not my husband per say that didn't want me to know where he was or whatever, he had an illness.  And yes I am thankful that it is not cancer or something like it, but it has taken him away from me.  He was then fully diagnosed and put on meds.  Anyone who has taken anxiety or depression meds knows it can take months or years to find the right combo for you.  Well I guess my husband is just embarrassed that he HAS to take these meds.  There have been about a dozen times where he has just gone off of them and not told me.  Well I am not DUMB, I figure it out pretty quickly, but by then he is in the phase of liking not to have to take the meds(to him), and not caring what I or anyone else thinks.  So then I have to ride out the cycle, usually about 10 days to 3 months after I figure out what he has done.  Then we have a huge crash, life is HELL, and I am totally alone because during this time he ignores me.  Actually he ignores everyone unless he has to speak to them(like his boss).  Then he usually has a realizing moment where he gets it that if he cant act like a human and just take the damn meds, then I will leave.  There was one point in our lives that he ignored me and our marriage for over 8 months.  He was busy, I was busy, and he left me out in the cold to languish.

So this is the roller coaster that I live on.  I love my husband, I will not leave him unless he becomes physically abusive to me or the kids.  He NEVER has been.  But he gets verbally abusive, and emotionally abusive, and well he just strikes out and pretends he has no issues.

Right now he is going through a lot.  Mostly I don't know what it is, he will not tell me.  He ignores the fact that I am there, he will call or email me during the day only if he has to.  He works regular day hours and I work weekends, so its easy for him to not deal with me.  This pattern has always been there, but before I had some support system.  I had some friends that I could at least talk to about things(anything), but now I have been isolated from everyone and everything I knew.  We moved because we had to recently, and because we lost our house people who I thought were my friends have pretty much decided that I am out of their lives.  These people that I trusted and I thought cared about me, are now judging me and forgetting about me, because they don't understand.   So I work 36 hours on the weekends with one other person who is nothing like me, I have no friends here, I don't know anyone.  The only person(adult) that I have is my husband, but most of the time, he has no need for me.

I am hoping to find other people who are like me, find some peace, find people who understand and will hopefully not judge me.

Are you the spouse of a person with Bipolar?  If so join me in supporting each other!  WELCOME!